Ode to the Vomitous Things You Post on Facebook

Let she without Facebook sin, cast the first blog post about Facebook sinners who annoy the hell out of her. But I digress, for I am a Facebook sinnah just like the rest of you.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my Facebook photo is almost five-years-old and my cankles may or may not be photo shopped up the yin yang—but generally speaking, I like to think I walk in fairly deep puddles and score fairly low on the nausea-inducing scale.

While I’m definitely guilty of the navel gazing “look at me, look at me” post when it comes to wins on my career front, I generally like to stay away from potentially offensive braggadocio updates, and the *cringe* overly personal here’s-my-dirty-laundry-posts.

While Facebook makes us *all* high-definition caricatures of ourselves to varying degrees, there are certain ‘displays’ that make me want to projectile vom all over the universe.

And they’re not mine. They’re yours. So please stop? Like, now?

#1 The Permanent Vacationers.

These are tough economic times. The world-wide economy is in the toilet and most people are struggling just to carve out an existence. But you wouldn’t know it by my Facebook feed, now would ya?

You *do* realise that vacations are a Western privilege and not the ‘norm’? Does it even register that one trip is what most people save for all year long?

I’m particularly allergic to the Chronic Vacationers; Mr. wealthy pants and his wifey who pretends to ‘work’ while they traipse about on vaycay #4 with or without their harem of children. Who can afford such an existence, and they just parade it around ad nauseum on Facebook with complete abandon?!

Yes I’m  sea-foam green with envy, but more importantly, I find it insensitive and particularly out-of-touch to post such privilege when the majority of us are eyeballs deep in Polar Vortex icicles?

I find it particularly pukey when they fake-ask the rest of their  FB “friends” forrecommendations” on where they “should stay in Bora Bora/the Maldives”? “Where should I eat in Ibiza?” “Coastal Antibes?” “Suggestions for activities in the rain-forest of southern Chile?”

That’s just veiled bragging and even before they leave?!

I say call a travel agent if you’re sooooooo confused!!??

Slightly more vomitous than the chronic vacationers is the Male Club Promoter ‘Guy’ who is on the douche rocket ‘party circuit’ tour.

You know the ones; Playa Del Carmen DJ Conference, Nikki Beach, Art Basel (Wash, Rinse, Repeat…)

Basically wherever there is roped-off VIP bottle service on white day-beds and/or possible sightings of Paris. Trust me, REAL VIP’s don’t have roped off sections at clubs or at hotels open to the public. They have private villas, or yachts. Or islands. You’re just a try-hard cheese ball. 

While I hate to be the bearer of blanket statements, the majority of these patrons look like male versions of the singer PitBull on ‘roids, and the gals look like these wholesome demure flowers:

Hey Club Promoter Guy; this is Facebook, not A Small World. Also please stop asking me if I’m coming to Sundance or Cannes? You can barely string an audible sentence together beyond your usual offering of manic winking and fist pounds? A Cinephile you are not.

#2. The Woe is Me/Victim Post

Jill Greenberg ©

These are the posts where you put your private crazies on full display. It makes me want to run and hide on behalf of my embarrassment→for you.  

This is that poster who writes seemingly out of no-where… “Having the worst day of my life,” or “Why do people hurt me, when all I do is give, give givvvvve?”

The one that really makes me want to squirm for your lack of discretion and sad sack undertones is the passive-aggressive post:

Now I know who my real friends are…”

This desperate cry for attention, one that I have no patience for, usually incites others to ask “what’s wrong or “are you ok?” I never take the bait, nor should you. Don’t feed the perennially insecure. You will surely get bit. *Not to be confused with a real call for help. I trust you will know the difference as these posters are repeat whiners offenders.

#3 Announcements of Getting off the Grid

I just want to say, that after five years of enjoying this medium, sadly I will be leaving Facebook to further work on the things in my real outside life that I have been neglecting. I will no longer be on here as of next month, but I just want you to know how much I…

[Record Scratch]

Ummm. Just get the eff off?! No one cares if you are leaving Facebook or Twitter, or if you will just be tweeting once a week? Just leave! Go ahead and tweet once a week? No need for the dramatic announcement(s)?!?!

All this does is expose your personal crazy cakes, especially when you open and close your Facebook account repeatedly, lock and unlock your Twitter account and start to tweet every day after saying you will only tweet once a week?

If you repeatedly can’t balance online life–get a grip; it’s online life?!

Once again, these declarations usually provokes concerns of “what’s wrong” or “are you ok?” The onslaught of attention makes the poster usually decide to stay.

How could I leave all of you who CARE so much!? or “I’m Back Did You Miss Me?”

…I just vomited in my mouth.

***

To Sum Up;

Too much information,

Stop being so needy,

No-one really cares,

…Take me away with you on vacation,

XOXO

The Pop Culture Rainman™

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