I’m back to Swiffer up this dusty mess known as the Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2014 Part 3! I realise this has been a slow train wreck, that hasn’t entirely wrecked…until NOW. In my defense, 2015 has been a formless basic b*tch (pop culture-wise) and 2014 is still the gift that begs to be re-gifted, thrice!
Ready, Set, Let’s DO This!
Best in Humans Behaving Like A**Holes
WHO: Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwynie decided to coin a new phrase for her divorce in 2014 by revealing that her marital denouement to Chris Martin was not a divorce at all, but rather a ‘conscious uncoupling’. And yes, I blame Gwyneth entirely as it has her holier than thou/I-don’t-eat-gluten essence all. over. it. *Actually it was recently revealed to be relationship experts Katherine Woodward Thomas’s oeuvre.
WHO: Solange + Jay-Z
We’ll never know the truth about what really spurned the infamous Elevator Throw Down…or why Solange agreed to wear that peach parfait prom dress. But what I love most about that hot mess was how they all walked out like nothing had happened, especially BEY.
And they said she couldn’t act? That was some grade A fakey star power right there?! Oscar! Oscar!
WHO: Celebrity Sexual Predators
All sexual predators deserve to die by fire as far as I’m concerned—famous or otherwise. For far too long, those in positions of power have used their fame/influence to cloak their crimes. Thankfully, 2014 rammed karma down their manipulative filthy pie holes. I have no plans to post their photos below. We all know who they are.
It’s the victims who matter. It’s the victims who need to feel safe coming forward with their testimony, regardless of the perceived Goliath personas they are accusing!
Poor Renee Zellweger lost some of her baby fat and did some light facial work in 2014 and the entire world jumped all over it like she was Jocelyn Wildenstein 2.0?!?!
It was exceptional work that finally got rid of her sour candy lemon face and she was met with an internet flotilla of OUTRAGE!? All male actors have to do is invest in a Monchichi hair piece (actors NEVER go bald in HOLLYWOOD), some self tanner and they can coast through ‘le aging’ without batting an eye lash?!?!
Women facing 40 and over need to fix that sh*t up without it appearing like they’ve fixed that shit up—and still they get lambasted for it?! Contrary to the web cacophony, I think Renee ASOLUTELY still looks like herself, and I blame EVERYONE for turning one of our greatest actresses into a paranoid shut-in. Oh, you think Renee Zellweger is coming out to play after what you’ve put her through? Expect to see her…NEVER!!
For SHAME people, FOR SHAME!
WHO: Generation Z
On December 31st, 2014 Kanye West released a song called “Only One” featuring SIR Paul McCartney and then THIS lunacy happened online.
Holy Idiot Shivers?!?!
Anyone taking up oxygen on this planet that doesn’t know who THE BEATLE SIR PAUL McCartney is ?!?! needs to DIE BY FIRE along with the rapists. I’ll gladly pour the gasoline + light the match.
Best in Food
There were so many tasty treats avail in 2014, many of them unexpected fusion delights! In no particular order of yummy…
Clockwise: (1) Cronut creator Dominique Ansel unveiled milk in shot glasses made out of chocolate-chip cookies, (2) the perfect Super Bowl pie; Martino’s General Tao Pizza in Toronto (*and yes its as GOOD as it looks!) (3) EpicMealTime introduced us to the Poutine Dumpling, Kosher in the Kitch revealed the Brownie Eggroll in early Jan (but it *FEELS* very 2014), and NY’s Lumpia Shack Snackbar created their spin on halo-halo a Filipino desert that looks like unicorn vomit + tastes like a Filipino sunrise. *I don’t even know what that means.
…And finalement, The Grand Budapest Hotel taught us how to make a DIY Courtesan Au Chocolat courtesy of their 2014 DVD release.
Best in Selfies
Selfies are not really part of my blogger repertoire, and the extreme egotism gives me a case of the barfs—but like it or not, they are part of our collective culture. A culture that’s GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL.
While the famed Oscar ‘group’ selfie was emblematic of 2014, a plethora of new trends on the theme began to emerge in its place.
Baby + Cat Selfies: It’s funny cause its *Pretend*
New hardware was created in 2014 to mitigate selfie restrictions. Innovations like the ‘Selfie Stick’ for aerial shots, and wait for it…‘The Belfie’ for those hard to reach booty shots. Yes, this is Real Life.
The Donut Selfie (aka the 360 Selfie) was a 2014 creation. Please have a look at this handy tutorial while I place my head in the oven.
And because I’m running out of patience I now give you my LIGHTING ROUND for Best of 2014!
Best in Accessories
Fringe was the accessory staple for 2014. The Fringed Kimono was all la RAGE at every summer music festival, Gucci got its fringe on in its S/S purse + clutch collections, and only Lenny Kravitz could pull off this oversized scarf with ample fringe benefits!
Best in Photo Bomb
Cumberbatch’s U2 mid-air + Usher’s over-the-shoulder HOW YOU DOIN’ Photo Bombs, were wait for it…the BOMB. *See what I just did there?
Best in Award Shows
THIS at last years EMMY‘s:
…and this phenomenal GIF of Cate Blanchett ‘man-handling’ her SAG award.
Best in Snub
It’s a two-way tie between Jessica Lange snubbing Lea Michele at the American Horror Story Red Carpet
…and the photo of Sony exec Amy Pascal trying to embrace Angelina Jolie, while Angie gives her proper BITCH PULLLLLLEASE face. Actually I change my mind. It’s my *favorite*.