My Unusable Promotional Items

A thousand years ago—back in 2009, I fashioned myself a nifty testimonial page with industry media leaders auto tuning singing my praises. It was an effective promotional tool that I regularly used in my arsenal of PR stuffs, that is until 2014. Here’s just a glimpse of the larger set of testimonials and cue the famed Sesame Street jingle…”One of these things is not like the other…”

Obsolete Testimonail Page

Let’s just say a testimonial from Jian Ghomeshi, who is on trial for sexual assault, punching and choking women in Canada isn’t a sterling example of an effective, endorsement?

Cue Cat Face Palm!

Cat Face Palm

Back in 2013–just a year into my blogging career, I wanted to create some clever ‘on brand’ promotional photos glommed into the scenes of some famed pop culture pics. I hired a graphic designer (who, incidentally I paid in Xanax) to carefully place me within the mise en scène(s).

Cosby

Well, not more than 6 months passed before allegations (re)surfaced about Mr. rapey-pants Cosby, and an onslaught of accusers started to trickle in during 2014 and 2015. You can’t make this stuff up folks. This was a gong show PR effort, and a waste of good pharmaceuticals. Unusable.

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One could easily make the case that Nickelback’s music is a form of ear rape, but really is there anything that lends itself to less ear-to-the-ground, street cred than a photo op of oneself and Chad Kroeger?

Chad

I’m not even able to use it ironically at this point?!

It’s really too bad as I think Chad is a nice guy and looks quite handsome here. All in all it’s just a waste of both of our fine dental work.

I still hold onto it, clandestinely–natch.

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To better office supplies,

XOXO

New Crop

P.S. *Not intended to offend, discount or trigger survivors of sexual assault. Felt it was an irony of coincidental kookiness that needed to be told. Also, it’s ok to laugh sometimes. 2015 was an all you can eat buffet of sads and tragedies, so I implore us all to laugh when we can, (if you find it comical that is?!) Namaste.

The Get-Foxy-Ready-for-Fall-Beauty, Girlfriend Guide.

True Story.

This is a close facsimile to the Barbie I got to play with as a ten-year-old, whenever I went over to my cousins Sherry’s house.

Sherry played with a gorgeous perfect face & hair Barbie, whereas I got handed some sort of busted face version like below—except the tip of her nose and toes were also chopped off?! Sherry clearly had pent-up rage issues, and was a cruel Machiavellian playmate to my twee Golden Retriever-like innocence.

And guess whose Barbie got felt up by Ken in da club every time?

That’s right, perfect face & hair Barbie! Ken didn’t want to get to know me—busted face Barbie? He saw my mutilated nose and toes and was all—I am OUT on that ugly ratchet bitch.

…Wait, where were we?

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Ahh yes (context!)…I *feel* like busted face Barbie every year as summer is ending.

My hair—the texture of straw, is an array of indecipherable shades not found on any color wheel, and my skin is sun damaged despite my best efforts to slap on the SPF.

Also, it’s been a bra-less summer and I’m certain that will cost me somewhere down the road.

The Solution? My annual Rube Goldberg machine beauty overhaul, as I attempt to shoe horn myself into the transitional ether of fall. Ready? Let’s. Do. This.

Clean Up, Aisle Skin!

If you are going to get your fall beauty foxiness on, you have to set the table properly—and that means starting with your skin. No matter how well you have tried to protect yourself from the sun’s harmful rays, all of us have some degree of damage to contend with as September rolls around.

My first stop is always my fairy godmother skin doyen—Dr. Lisa Kellet from DLK on the AvenueDLK on the Avenue offers up the perfect solution to end-of-summer skin woes with their latest technology, their *new* 3-in-1 M22 ResurFx treatment. Think of it as the ultimate car wash for your skin and the best bang for your buck as it’s all done in one sitting!

Forget traditional facials; they are picayune offerings in the face (*pun intended) of these medical grade technologies!

Part 1 of the M22 ResurFx is a diamond peel Microdermabrasion treatment removing the dead skin cells on top of the skin.

Part 2 is multiple wavelengths of light, similar to intense pulse light (IPL) that works on the brown spots, redness and pore size—making your overall color more homogenous and less blotchy.    

Dr. Kellet performs part 2 of the ResurFx treatment on a client.

Part 3  is a resurfacing treatment that uses an erbium laser to resurface the skin that ablates tissue. This works on texture; acne scars, fine lines and plumps up collagen at the same time. *Recovery time is 24 hours, with some redness and mild flaking. 

If you can’t get this incredible treatment done, Dr. Kellet is adamant about employing her “proper trinity” of skin care gospel. At the bare minimum, Dr. Kellet recommends a 30 SPF all year round, a topical Vitamin C for day, and a topical liquid Vitamin A (*Retinol) for nighttime.

For a quick fix up, I’ve long been a fan of the exfoliating wonders of GlamGlow’s YouthMud Tinglexfoliate Treatment. It contains Volcanic Rock, French Sea Clay and Active Green Tea Leaf and gives you instant results in 10 minutes flat! Another trade secret of mine is Celebrity Make Up artist, Charlotte Tilbury’s Magic Cream. It instantly transforms your skin with a dewy glow, and is really the stuff that dreams are made of.

Giorgio Armani has been a permanent staple in my arsenal since they launched their line in 2000. Their Luminous Silk foundation, and Fluid Sheer is my really my North Star of maquillage! Their High Precision Touch Up concealer covers even the toughest dark circles, in ways that astound me and obliterates the competition.

They recently launched their Luminous Silk Compact—a diaphanous powder finish that has had a waiting list since it first debuted in early August.

If you haven’t yet gauged, I am a bona fide make up JUNKIE! I literally get pupils-dilated highhhhh when I see all the new fall colours start to trickle into stores. I can talk gloss, lacquers and shimmer until the cows come home, and my idea of time well spent is getting mindlessly lost in a Sephora for hours upon hours. Oftentimes I look exactly like busted face Barbie’s make up job (*add in multiple swatches of lipstick shades on both hands + every nail painted a different color) when I leave am escorted out by security. Ahhh, such fun!

So…without further ado, I present a crash course of Fall 2015’s hottest Beauty trends.

Bionic Brows

Fall’s brows are not your garden-variety Cara Delevigne eyebrows…they are even more bountiful, bushier and dare I say… Albanian tribal?!

The brows at DKNY were dampened + combed/fanned out, while TIBI kept them dry and groomed.

*I’d be a liar liar pants on fiyah, if I didn’t share that I find they look like terrifying furry caterpillars threatening to eat my face off. No offence.

Liner Notes

Black liner gets an arty upgrade this fall with new designs and accents. First up is a modern new take on the classic cat eye with the illusion of negative space, Suno offers up a spare yet dramatic paint strokes approach, and Imax Tree adds in an eye-catching Aztec motif that says all at once—coolest It Girl in Chelsea or Soho (NY or London) + over the crease lines that boldly go where no liner has gone before. Try: Stila Liquid Eyeliner

Sweet Cheeks

By far one of my favorite trends of fall is the ‘flushed cheeks’ look. Whilst it may be a cardinal sin not to use a brand new blush to achieve this look, I can’t help but still be obsessed with last spring’s offering from Nars—Adoration. As far as I’m concerned, the sun rises and sets with this slutty/naïf blush combo! I love wearing the hot pink alone, or in combination with the powder baby pink on top of it. I use a fluffy brush and adroitly apply in circular motions to the apples of my cheeks, and the peeps from Nars also recommend a wet brush option.

Goth Lips

Are you afraid of the DARK? Mua Ah Ah Ah AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Don’t be.

If you can carry it off i.e.; wear the lipstick and not vice versa—it’s actually quite an accessible trend that can appeal to a substantial variant of women. I love the versatility and options; wearing it matte, splotched or stained. Top: Christian Louboutin’s wearable new lipsticks in Sevillana, Tom Ford’s Black Orchid, Nars Train Bleu + if you so dareKat Von D’s Slayer.

Hair Goals

Hair is a very sensitive subject for me as mine is unruly, frizzy, fine and not super abundant. I’m not kidding when I can boast perhaps, seven good hair days a year? Otherwise I’m spending money to get it blown out, or adding in my confidence weave—for length and volume. What is weave if not make-up for your hair, n’est pas?

While T Swift has Squad Goals, I have my very own Hair Goals for fall 2015 (*Gigi Hadid not included—natch)

Considering the paltry innovation for fall hair 2015, I instead looked to my style muse Ms. Alexa Chung from now until infinity, for any and all inspiration.

Hair Cut and Color

While this is not Ms. Chung’s latest look—because she is so dialed into style and consistently light years ahead of EVERYONE else, her S/S2015 hair is exactly what I want for fall 2015! How exquisite is this rich Ombré from dark brown to GOLD?!?! It also feels criminally irresponsible not to give a nod to her cheek bones…so I too would like to covet those for fall 2015.

**I can actually achieve the illusion with Charlotte Tilbury’s sculpting Filmstar Bronze & Glow + her powder sculpting brush!

Fall Nails

Nail color innovation has ceased to ‘phone it in’ and always has something new on the menu. For fall, I prefer my nails to be extremely short and I have already been wearing the electric blue nail color that is all LE RAGE this season. (*Slide over each photo for credits/click on photo for a closer look) 

While Nail Art has taken a bit of a sedative this fall, I am enjoying some of the subtler designs that don’t have to hit you over the head with Bob Fosse-like Glitterati. But should you be craving some Jazz Hands & Bejeweled goodness, Tokyo nail titan Eichi Matsunaga never disappoints! Check out his Instagram here.

To sum up girlfriends, You Have the Right to Remain Foxy—it just may take a little work!

Fallin’ For Beauty,

XOXO,

 *Congrats goes out to @spazss who wins a 50 ML bottle of Marc Jacobs new scent Decadence! Enjoy!

Marc_Jacobs_Decadence

The Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2014 Part 3-The Final Chapter!

I’m back to Swiffer up this dusty mess known as the Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2014 Part 3! I realise this has been a slow train wreck, that hasn’t entirely wrecked…until NOW. In my defense, 2015 has been a formless basic b*tch (pop culture-wise) and 2014 is still the gift that begs to be re-gifted, thrice!

Ready, Set, Let’s DO This!

Best in Humans Behaving Like A**Holes

WHO: Gwyneth Paltrow

Conscious Detesting?

Gwynie decided to coin a new phrase for her divorce in 2014 by revealing that her marital denouement to Chris Martin was not a divorce at all, but rather a ‘conscious uncoupling’. And yes, I blame Gwyneth entirely as it has her holier than thou/I-don’t-eat-gluten essence all. over. it. *Actually it was recently revealed to be relationship experts Katherine Woodward Thomas’s oeuvre.

WHO: Solange + Jay-Z

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We’ll never know the truth about what really spurned the infamous Elevator Throw Down…or why Solange agreed to wear that peach parfait prom dress. But what I love most about that hot mess was how they all walked out like nothing had happened, especially BEY.

All Smiles for the Camera...

And they said she couldn’t act? That was some grade A fakey star power right there?! Oscar! Oscar!

WHO: Celebrity Sexual Predators

All sexual predators deserve to die by fire as far as I’m concerned—famous or otherwise. For far too long, those in positions of power have used their fame/influence to cloak their crimes. Thankfully, 2014 rammed karma down their manipulative filthy pie holes. I have no plans to post their photos below. We all know who they are.

Don't SHAME victims!

Don’t SHAME victims!

It’s the victims who matter. It’s the victims who need to feel safe coming forward with their testimony, regardless of the perceived Goliath personas they are accusing!

WHO: EVERYONE

Poor Renee Zellweger lost some of her baby fat and did some light facial work in 2014 and the entire world jumped all over it like she was Jocelyn Wildenstein 2.0?!?! 

It was exceptional work that finally got rid of her sour candy lemon face and she was met with an internet flotilla of OUTRAGE!? All male actors have to do is invest in a Monchichi hair piece (actors NEVER go bald in HOLLYWOOD), some self tanner and they can coast through ‘le aging’ without batting an eye lash?!?!

Monchichi Hair

Women facing 40 and over need to fix that sh*t up without it appearing like they’ve fixed that shit up—and still they get lambasted for it?! Contrary to the web cacophony, I think Renee ASOLUTELY still looks like herself, and I blame EVERYONE for turning one of our greatest actresses into a paranoid shut-in. Oh, you think Renee Zellweger is coming out to play after what you’ve put her through? Expect to see her…NEVER!!

For SHAME people, FOR SHAME!

WHO: Generation Z

On December 31st, 2014 Kanye West released a song called Only One”  featuring SIR Paul McCartney and then THIS lunacy happened online.

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  Holy Idiot Shivers?!?!

Anyone taking up oxygen on this planet that doesn’t know who THE BEATLE SIR PAUL McCartney is ?!?! needs to DIE BY FIRE along with the rapists. I’ll gladly pour the gasoline + light the match.

 Best in Food

Nom Nom Nom

Nom Nom Nom

There were so many tasty treats avail in 2014, many of them unexpected fusion delights! In no particular order of yummy…

Clockwise: (1) Cronut creator Dominique Ansel unveiled milk in shot glasses made out of chocolate-chip cookies, (2) the perfect Super Bowl pie; Martino’s General Tao Pizza in Toronto (*and yes its as GOOD as it looks!) (3) EpicMealTime introduced us to the Poutine Dumpling, Kosher in the Kitch revealed the Brownie Eggroll in early Jan (but it *FEELS* very 2014), and NY’s Lumpia Shack Snackbar created their spin on halo-halo a Filipino desert that looks like unicorn vomit + tastes like a Filipino sunrise. *I don’t even know what that means.

…And finalement, The Grand Budapest Hotel taught us how to make a DIY Courtesan Au Chocolat courtesy of their 2014 DVD release.

Best in Selfies

Selfies are not really part of my blogger repertoire, and the extreme egotism gives me a case of the barfs—but like it or not, they are part of our collective culture. A culture that’s GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL.

While the famed Oscar ‘group’ selfie was emblematic of 2014, a plethora of new trends on the theme began to emerge in its place.

Baby + Cat Selfies: It’s funny cause its *Pretend*

New hardware was created in 2014 to mitigate selfie restrictions. Innovations like the ‘Selfie Stick’ for aerial shots, and wait for it…‘The Belfie’ for those hard to reach booty shots. Yes, this is Real Life.

 The Donut Selfie (aka the 360 Selfie) was a 2014 creation. Please have a look at this handy tutorial while I place my head in the oven.

And because I’m running out of patience I now give you my LIGHTING ROUND for Best of 2014!

Best in Accessories

Fringe was the accessory staple for 2014. The Fringed Kimono was all la RAGE at every summer music festival, Gucci got its fringe on in its S/S purse + clutch collections, and only Lenny Kravitz could pull off this oversized scarf with ample fringe benefits!

Best in Photo Bomb

Cumberbatch’s U2 mid-air + Usher’s over-the-shoulder HOW YOU DOIN’ Photo Bombs, were wait for it…the BOMB. *See what I just did there?

Best in Award Shows

THIS at last years EMMY‘s:

…and this phenomenal GIF of Cate Blanchett ‘man-handling’ her SAG award.

catejackingoffsagman

Best in Snub

It’s a two-way tie between Jessica Lange snubbing Lea Michele at the American Horror Story Red Carpet

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and the photo of Sony exec Amy Pascal trying to embrace Angelina Jolie, while Angie gives her proper BITCH PULLLLLLEASE face. Actually I change my mind. It’s my *favorite*.

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 Best in Cause

#FreeTheNip short for Free the Nipple, was the trend of all trend causes in 2014, ’cause girl nips should be able to do everything boy nips can?! Trail Blazers of the cause were Scout Willis who let it all hang out in the progressive legal nip region of Manhattan, and Ta Ta Top a blink-and-it-looks-like-the-real-thing bikini top co. that shares its proceeds with Breast Cancer charities.

Hopefully 2015 will let freedom  ring for #FreeTheNip, ’cause like a good vintage Merlot it really just wants to breathe

…And that’s my time, I’m the Pop Culture Rainman, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!

XOXO 

The Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2014 Part Deux!

Miss me? I’m back with part deux of The Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2014—or as my supportive boyfriend likes to call it, No one wants to read your LATE 3-part series about LAST YEAR!?”

Pffft…timelines are so pedestrian doncha think?

Best in Books

I just want to read all the books, I really do. My life’s ambition is to be able to read—uninterruptus, an endless stream of hard covers while on an IV drip of marshmallow lattes. Due to the fact that I gots ta go wee-wee and other of life’s cumbersome intrusions, I’m able to bank a mere 12 reads a year.

Paltry yes, but I try to choose wisely and with discernment.

Best Celebrity Tome 

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Lena Dunham: Not That Kind of Girl

Reading Lena’s book was just like that one (and only) time I did Mushrooms. On both occasions I giggled hysterically and uncontrollably in marathon laughter sprints, my nose was running and my feet were sweating (not necessarily comparative) and I was inspired by every word, every breathing molecule before me.

Without question, Lena deserved that multi-million dollah payout. Her writing is extraordinary; she expresses her inner landscape so beautifully and serves up my kind of truth serum.

Also, Lena once tweeted this pearl about Tom Petty…

  and when I was on ‘shrooms the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers CD that was on a table next to me was giving me a bad buzz (the green guy far right) so much so, that I had to put it in a drawer.

The Wicked Witch Dude on the Right is Trying to Killll Me…..

 …So, as you can see it’s like were one person, really.

Worst Celebrity Tome

Trust me when I say, that this review hurts me more than it wounds you. I think Amy Poehler is a brilliant comedian/artist, but Yes Please receded all my expectations.

Much of her writing felt clipped, rushed and harried–basically what a single working mom of two sounds like in real life. A lot of her stories felt abridged without any real risk in describing her feelings at length—lacking any revealing depth or descriptive color. Plus there seemed to be a lot of silly filler, at least three ‘guest writers’ and lots of whiny complaints about HOW she would finish the book?

I like writers who ‘reveal’ themselves warts and all. Those who ‘go there’ and dig deep in the well. Amy was all, “I’ll call you back in five minutes,” and I only heard from her a week later styles! 

Most of her ‘reveals’ were cloaked in comedy which is fine, but the funny as a whole was lacking. I expected much more funnay for my monnay. I expected the Great Wall of FUNNAY, and I got a billboards length at best.

There were a couple of lines that resonated deeply, like how a burst of crying followed by laughter should be treasured and I had possibly one, maybe 2 episodic laughs—but I can only conclude that she is not a naturally gifted writer, despite thriving in comedy.

Books that I enjoyed in 2014 were few and far in-between, but I adored The Girl Who Was Saturday Night, perhaps because I could truly relate to the divide between pure laine Québécois and Montreal’s English Park Avenue sect as depicted in the 90’s. Also the Opposite of Loneliness from the supremely gifted essayist + poet, Marina Keegan who died just five days after graduating magna cum laude from Yale University was inspiring on so many levels; most notably a personal quest to become half as good of a scribe as Keegan was at just 22 years of age.

This gem only comes out mid-January, but you can be certain that it lands on my 2015 list.

Best of the Web

Best in WEB

Ahhhhh the interwebs are an endless pop culture floret in which to plucketh a ransom of culture jamming from, mais oui?!

Best in Memes 

The famed Oscar group Selfie got a lot of play in 2014 with the Simpsons taking a stab, and my personal fave—a bloated Rob Ford in place of Bradley Cooper

And just when we (and by *we* I mean ME) thought she couldn’t possibly plunge to new lows of vacuity—Kim Kardashian finds a trap door! While I normally employ a Voldemortesque NEVER-discuss-Kardashian policy, the memes that followed her BIG REVEAL, are just too creative to pass up. Girlfriend served up her own backlashings of Schadenfreude on a silver platter!

*Note the silly putty meme was my oeuvre!

Other notables that went viral were sexy convict Jeremy Meeks, the Bong Smoking Grandmas and the most undeserving of all memee‘s IMHO Alex from Target

Lest it be said that among this pecking order of mostly non-talents and functional illiterates (not the grandmas, they show real spinoff promise!) that there shone a glittery star whose electric moves obliterated them all.

None other than Dancing Diva Boy Brendan Jordan, who incidentally was one of The Pop Culture Rainman’smost popular posts for 2014! Brendan recently got himself a coveted American Apparel gig where Bae was able to parlay his shizzle into cold hard papahhhh.

American Apparel...What took So Long?

American Apparel…What Took So Long?

k, I’ll stop with the blaccent.

Best YouTube Star 

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Grace Helbig has pretty much cornered the market on the funny-gorgeous-talented  ‘It Gal’ space on YouTube. Here’s her wiki profile, cause girlfriend has one of those annoying ‘early-web adopter’ resumes and this blog post is already a week late.

In 2014 alone, Helbig released her first book—Grace’s Guide, appeared in a digital travel series for Condé Nast Entertainment’s The Scene and most recently got her own E! Network pilot talk-show—and we know how that turned out for Chelsea Lately. All that on top of her mammoth 2 million plus subscribers on her own YouTube Channel?!!!

Her Booky Wook…

 

FYI; the only reason I am not yet a YouTube Star, or Twitterlebrity as of YET, is due to my inability to just shoot footage or ‘selfies’ on-the-fly sans FULL make-up, hair and a wardrobe team. I also require *twinkly* Elisabeth Taylor White Diamonds Lighting at my disposal.

While you probably ‘wake up like dis’ Ms. Helbig, I suspect some sort of beauty budge for your shows? Those Farrah-flips don’t curl themselves amirite, sister?

As for me, I wake up looking like ONE face with Larry King. It’s holding me back.

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And don’t think that just be cause you’re a Millennial and I’m a Perimenopausal that I can’t come for your crown laydeee. Cause I am a COMMMING… (*I yell out to no one…) “MAKE-UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!?????????”

Best Web Series  

It’s Coffee, it’s Comedians, it’s a moving vehiclewhat more do you want?!

Worst in Web

The interwebs giveth but MAN does it ever HACKETH?! It’s been a frightening year for humans trying to keep some semblance of their privacy in tact. Celebrities, agents, moguls and executives were major targets this year.

#TheFappening as it became affectionately known as in hashtag parlancewas a hacking invasion of many famous actresses private iPhone photos which were then posted on the web.

fappening…And the Sony hack emails (which may or may not have been an inside job) let us know exactly what producer Scott Rudin thinks of Angelina Jolie, and by proxy let the world in on the private email accounts of major A-List celebs. ‘HughJ‘ needs to be a bit more creative next time!

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Stay tuned for PART THREE of my Best of 2014 series, I can promise you it will be AS exciting a cliff hanger as when Fonzie jumped the shark!

Until Then, Stay Cool

XOXO

The Pop Culture Rainman

Ode to the Vomitous Things You Post on Facebook

Let she without Facebook sin, cast the first blog post about Facebook sinners who annoy the hell out of her. But I digress, for I am a Facebook sinnah just like the rest of you.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my Facebook photo is almost five-years-old and my cankles may or may not be photo shopped up the yin yang—but generally speaking, I like to think I walk in fairly deep puddles and score fairly low on the nausea-inducing scale.

While I’m definitely guilty of the navel gazing “look at me, look at me” post when it comes to wins on my career front, I generally like to stay away from potentially offensive braggadocio updates, and the *cringe* overly personal here’s-my-dirty-laundry-posts.

While Facebook makes us *all* high-definition caricatures of ourselves to varying degrees, there are certain ‘displays’ that make me want to projectile vom all over the universe.

And they’re not mine. They’re yours. So please stop? Like, now?

#1 The Permanent Vacationers.

These are tough economic times. The world-wide economy is in the toilet and most people are struggling just to carve out an existence. But you wouldn’t know it by my Facebook feed, now would ya?

You *do* realise that vacations are a Western privilege and not the ‘norm’? Does it even register that one trip is what most people save for all year long?

I’m particularly allergic to the Chronic Vacationers; Mr. wealthy pants and his wifey who pretends to ‘work’ while they traipse about on vaycay #4 with or without their harem of children. Who can afford such an existence, and they just parade it around ad nauseum on Facebook with complete abandon?!

Yes I’m  sea-foam green with envy, but more importantly, I find it insensitive and particularly out-of-touch to post such privilege when the majority of us are eyeballs deep in Polar Vortex icicles?

I find it particularly pukey when they fake-ask the rest of their  FB “friends” forrecommendations” on where they “should stay in Bora Bora/the Maldives”? “Where should I eat in Ibiza?” “Coastal Antibes?” “Suggestions for activities in the rain-forest of southern Chile?”

That’s just veiled bragging and even before they leave?!

I say call a travel agent if you’re sooooooo confused!!??

Slightly more vomitous than the chronic vacationers is the Male Club Promoter ‘Guy’ who is on the douche rocket ‘party circuit’ tour.

You know the ones; Playa Del Carmen DJ Conference, Nikki Beach, Art Basel (Wash, Rinse, Repeat…)

Basically wherever there is roped-off VIP bottle service on white day-beds and/or possible sightings of Paris. Trust me, REAL VIP’s don’t have roped off sections at clubs or at hotels open to the public. They have private villas, or yachts. Or islands. You’re just a try-hard cheese ball. 

While I hate to be the bearer of blanket statements, the majority of these patrons look like male versions of the singer PitBull on ‘roids, and the gals look like these wholesome demure flowers:

Hey Club Promoter Guy; this is Facebook, not A Small World. Also please stop asking me if I’m coming to Sundance or Cannes? You can barely string an audible sentence together beyond your usual offering of manic winking and fist pounds? A Cinephile you are not.

#2. The Woe is Me/Victim Post

Jill Greenberg ©

These are the posts where you put your private crazies on full display. It makes me want to run and hide on behalf of my embarrassment→for you.  

This is that poster who writes seemingly out of no-where… “Having the worst day of my life,” or “Why do people hurt me, when all I do is give, give givvvvve?”

The one that really makes me want to squirm for your lack of discretion and sad sack undertones is the passive-aggressive post:

Now I know who my real friends are…”

This desperate cry for attention, one that I have no patience for, usually incites others to ask “what’s wrong or “are you ok?” I never take the bait, nor should you. Don’t feed the perennially insecure. You will surely get bit. *Not to be confused with a real call for help. I trust you will know the difference as these posters are repeat whiners offenders.

#3 Announcements of Getting off the Grid

I just want to say, that after five years of enjoying this medium, sadly I will be leaving Facebook to further work on the things in my real outside life that I have been neglecting. I will no longer be on here as of next month, but I just want you to know how much I…

[Record Scratch]

Ummm. Just get the eff off?! No one cares if you are leaving Facebook or Twitter, or if you will just be tweeting once a week? Just leave! Go ahead and tweet once a week? No need for the dramatic announcement(s)?!?!

All this does is expose your personal crazy cakes, especially when you open and close your Facebook account repeatedly, lock and unlock your Twitter account and start to tweet every day after saying you will only tweet once a week?

If you repeatedly can’t balance online life–get a grip; it’s online life?!

Once again, these declarations usually provokes concerns of “what’s wrong” or “are you ok?” The onslaught of attention makes the poster usually decide to stay.

How could I leave all of you who CARE so much!? or “I’m Back Did You Miss Me?”

…I just vomited in my mouth.

***

To Sum Up;

Too much information,

Stop being so needy,

No-one really cares,

…Take me away with you on vacation,

XOXO

The Pop Culture Rainman™

The Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2013 Part Deux (a wee bit late–whoopsies!)

Greetings Friends & Lovah’s

Who says ‘End of Year Lists’ have to come out before the ‘end of the year??!!’ (Everyone. Absolutely. everyone. says. it.)

Think of this missive as merely ‘fashionably late’ and take comfort in the knowledge that it’s clearly the most comprehensive list out there considering I was able to add in stuffs from the 11th hour of ‘2013. (I did no such thing.)

 *ahem* DRUM ROLL PUUUUUUUUUUUUULEASE?

Best in Tattoos

2013 was a great year to get inked as so many trends in the industry were emerging–a rarity for such an ancient art. I wrote about the popularity of White Tattoos on this blog; which by-the-hey is my most read piece on The Pop Culture Rainman™ to date!

*Curtsey*

White Feather Tattoo

White Feather Tattoo

In addition to White Tattoos, another HUUUUUUUGE tat trend in 2013 were Written Tattoos and also Itty Bitty Tattoos placed on or around the hand and wrist, or most popular of all mid-arm.

Best in Food

2013 was magically delicious! Is it a flaky Croissant? Is it a Donut? Even Better! It’s the CRONUT!!!!

The Infamous Cronut

The Infamous Cronut

Not since the racially harmonious ‘black and white cookie’ has a New York confection gotten this much air play. Overnight, people wanted, nay… they DEMANDED some immediate Cronut tastin’. The foodie trend soon went international showing up in every major city around the globe!

Runner Up was The Crookie–a mix of a croissant and cookies originating in the Toronto bakery Clafouti.

Da Crookie!

Da Crookie!

Best in Kanye Cray-Cray

 

As a self-professed genius (in his own mind), Kanye West dominated 2013 in some good ways– his album Yeezus was a staple on many a year end list, but mostly in some very baaaad ways as well. His candid admissions koo-koo bananas interview he gave to BBC’s Radio 1 very patient host Zane Lowe, was the stuff of many a lampoon in 2013. While showing that he clearly had no idea how to keep his composure while constantly blaming ‘the man’ for his inability to break into the fashion world, one good thing did come out of it! He single-handedly put black leather jogging pants on the map for the uninitiated!

Black Leather Jogging Pants Were Kanye's Idea Fendi!!!

Black Leather Jogging Pants Were Kanye’s Idea Fendi!!!

Among other jewels like erratically answering the paparazzi by telling them to NEVER SPEAK TO HIM, TO NEVER EVER TALK  (Can’t say I blame him)

…the highlight of his unbridled ‘passion’ was best exemplified during his morning show interview with Sway that was additionally mashed up into song and many a tumblr Gif..

Experience the magic for yourself below in good ‘ol video form, and enjoy the knee-deep emotional *feels* of someone very famous on the verge of a very public breakdown.

 

No-one straddles flashy gluttony (Kim’s rock was an economical 10 million) and woe-is-me-victimhood better than Kanye and because of this, he got his very own category on my year-end list.

Count your blessings whiny face.  

Nike's Air Yeezy 2

Nike’s Air Yeezy 2

You’ll always have the Yeezy. Move on.

Best in Gal Trends

You thought I had just one? Have you just met us females? Pffft. Have a seat… this may take a while.

Balayage

Jessica Bie'sl Balayage Hair

Jessica B’s Balayage Hair

…So…Baylage took over from the Ombré trend of 2012. I wrote about it on this blog earlier in the year here:

Geometric Jewelry

If it looked like something you *may* have used in high school math class, or like something that would probably cut glass–it was on ladies fingers, necks or ear lobes in 2013.

Knuckle Ring Confetti (I just made that up)

Rings gathered and stacked in that sweet spot just above your knuckle was another huge ‘thang’ in 2013–the mo’ the ‘merrier.

…And lastly the dark and moody color Oxblood (or variations thereof) were seen everywhere in ladies fashion and beauty in ’13–my personal fave being the Black Orchid lipstick from Tom Ford. Fierrrrrrrrrrrrrce!

Tom Ford's Black Orchid

Tom Ford’s Black Orchid

Best in Gettting Busted

Rob Ford's Menagerie of 'Pussy' at home

Rob Ford’s Menagerie of ‘Pussy’ at home

No-one, but NO ONE produced more verbal snafu’s and outrageous quotables than Toronto’s own crack-smoking, all-you-can-eat-at-home-munching, LYING foolio, the very sweaty, and non-sveltey; Mayor Rob Ford.

Now unless you were pinned under a Mack Truck for all of 2013 and are not aware of the entire story, it is best wrapped up in a tiny bow courtesy of the following SNL skit. FYI; Torontonians don’t talk that way. It’s not the ‘frickin YUKON. Nor Helsinki.

Runner Ups: It’s a Big ‘ol tie between Robin Thicke’s ass-grabbing caught via a mirror photo and South Africa’s faux-deaf interpreter for the wins!

Best man-made-holiday-you-will-never-again-see-in-your-lifetime.

Thanksgivikahthe ancient holiday of the pilgrim Jews??? Close!

More like the only time in herstory that American Thanksgiving and Passover shared the same airspace, and it all happened in 2013! To commemorate? The beautifully constructed Manurkey, meant to give off some Turkey Lurkey ‘lovin for eight glittery, glittery nights.

Happy Thankgivikah!

Happy Thankgivikah!

And there you have it. A totally non-linear, nonsensical, in-yo-face account of 2013 highlights through my pop culture lenses. And yes, I’ve had laser surgery that has all but petered out…why do you ask?!

But truly, I hope you enjoyed the lists and please, feel free to use the facilities.

Here’s to 2014 and taking The Pop Culture Rainman to Bloglebrity and beyonnnnnnd…Let’s Do THIS!

 

 

Loving you,

XOXO

The Pop Culture Rainman

The Pop Culture Rainman™ Best of 2013 Part 1!

Tah Dahhhhhhhhhh!

My totally un-scientific and disjointed list of the year’s biggest Pop Culture noise makers, trend forecasts and infotainment, mixed in with a big chewy nougat of celebrity *cringe*! So in no particular order (what is this order you speak of?) Here it is Friendsicles!

*No interns were hurt in the making of this list

Best in Music

As a former full-time music journalist, I still try to fuse some of my musicology prowess into this newly minted blog. In 2013 I reviewed an exceptional body of work, one of which landed at #1 on virtually everyone’s end-of-year lists. Read my review of Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories here.

Runner up is Beyoncé’s self-title end of season surprise album which sold a whopping 828,773 copies worldwide in its first three days on iTunes. A.K.A. The Visual Album, the 14 songs which feature everyone from Drake, Frank Ocean and even her daughter Blue Ivy, comes with the ‘visual’ accompaniment of 17 slick music videos.

On a side note: It’s good to see newcomer like her finally get their comeuppance 😉 Don’t let your aversion to commercialism over-ride this funktastic album and just wish Beyoncé and her buckets of money a Congratuloncé. (Yes, I just did *that*)

Best in Television

Netflix took over 2013 in a big way and with that came more eye balls on Breaking Bad and the season end finale with a colossal 10.4 million views on AMC. The number has grown exponentially larger from all the cross-pollination views on Netflix, but I’m allergic to math so your on your own to figure out the number crunching. Mea Culpa. What became of Walter White and his five-year Cancer Battle/Meth Cook-off?

Spoiler is here. You’re welcome.

Breaking Bad Season Finale

Breaking Bad Season Finale

Best in Television Spin-off

Better Call Saul...

Better Call Saul…

“Better Call Saul,” Walter White’s sleazy lawyer Saul Goodman get’s his own gig in an exclusive Netflix arrangement. I know. So many *feels* on this. It’s gonna be uh-mazing!

Best in Books

2013 saw two of my favorite bloglebrities put out exclusive hilarious tomes. Kelly Oxford’s Everything is Perfect When You’re a Liar and Fashion Assassin Leandra Miller’s Man Repeller

 

These foxy bitches parlayed their Twitter/Blog Fame into 360 degrees of Real Life Fame!  I’ll be damned if I’m not next!!

Best Magazine Cover

It’s a Three Way Tie! Rolling Stone’s cover of Lena Dunham and juicy interview were the stuff of Girly dreams and Oprah’s hair-raising cover was simply too much fun!

New York magazine featured one of my favorite actresses Lake Bell in her birthday suit. I know what your thinking. Yes, her *hair* is TOTALLY fake.

Best in Former Child-Stars A.K.A. ♪ “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be 

Disney Constructs…”♪

The maniacal barely-dressed selfies. The haterade towards ‘ugly people.’ The suggestively ‘rapey’ come-on’s to Drake? 2013 was the year Amanda Bynes officially went crazy-cakes via her Twitter account. Oh and the ratchet wigs! Absotootly fetching!

 *Do* try and work with your medication(s) in 2014 will you Ms Bynes? (Be Well!)

 

Miley Cyrus made headlines in 2013 proving to everyone in try-hard doses how much she didn’t want to be viewed a Hannah Montana any longer. She’s Not a Girl….Not Yet a Hoookerrrrr.”♪ 

Yes, I’m slut-shaming. Deal with it.

Take one part pasty tongue-wagging gymnastics, two parts ass gyrating twerking, mix it in a cusinart with some oooooh-you-naughty-pot-smoking-rebel-on-live-tee-vee, some interrogation-lit Terry Richardson porn, and…we got it Miley.

We. Really. Got. It. You all GROWNS UP.  

Best in Guy Trend

My local coffee shop is THE place where hipsters converge in their natural habitat on the daily. When not sipping their fair-trade lattes and eating vegan muesli bars, I have a game I like to play called “count the hipster beards.”Hey brothers; it was fun while it lasted. Here’s to 2014 and some clippers, mmmkay?

Best Photo Bomb

There have been some epic photo bombs in the past year, but none as bomb diggity as this one taken last February at the Grammy’s. Here’s the adorbs Kelly Clarkson bombing Portia and Ellen’s photo opp with absolute aplomb. *see what I did there?

…Stay tuned for Part Deux of 2013 Pop Culture Rainman’s Year in Review.

In the Mean Nice Time…Merry Christmas Lover Heads!

XOXO
The Pop Culture Rainman